


Find my way

by spuukii



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Masturbation, eventually smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-04 02:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15832296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spuukii/pseuds/spuukii
Summary: Hongseok has a secret that is slowly coming out.





	1. Part one

 

The screen was shining bright, two bodies moving against each other while soft noises of pleasure could be heard through the speakers. Five boys that were cramped in a small room all started breathing heavily and suddenly he felt like he didn't belong there.

As the video progressed, most of them were grabbing at their crotches now, looking around nervously, wondering who will be the bravest one between them. And to think that only a few moments ago they were all cheering when Hui suggested that they should watch an adult video. They were all brave, teasing each other and cracking jokes. But no one was joking now, no one dared to say a word.

Unlike them, Hongseok was trying his best to fit in, to at least pretend that he was turned on when in reality he wasn't. He was interested in men and did a hell of a job to keep it a secret from his friends but in a situation like this, he had no idea what to do. The actress was pretty, he had to admit that but unfortunately, she did nothing to him. The male lead was... well, he was average looking and not even his cock looked like it was really doing wonders to her no matter how much she screamed and pretended that she was enjoying it. All in all, the video was quite dull and not convincing to Hongseok.

Closing his eyes, he tried to think about the videos he used to watch at home, the ones that were much more different than the one he was trying to watch right now. Biting at his bottom lip, Hongseok unconsciously reached into his pants, fingers passing down the pubes as he heard a loud cheering. Opening his eyes, he looked at everyone in confusion only to realize that Kino ended up being the bravest one, muttering a quiet "Fuck you all, I can't do it if you all gonna stare at my cock". He was obviously irritated as he tried to focus on the video playing in front of them and not on four pairs of eyes looking at him. Hongseok was the second to go, deciding that he had nothing to lose if only he focused on the images in his mind. After that, everyone seemed to follow, the shyness and awkwardness that they felt before obviously gone as the need for a release were too strong.

The air in the room changed completely after that as the boys were now all breathing and panting together, looking at the action on the screen (while some focused on the ones in their head). Hongseok took a quick peek at everyone when he realized that they were all too busy to notice him, looking at the way their lips parted and how some of them had their eyes closed by now. His eyes travelled down to their hands that were moving fast against their red cocks, desperately seeking release in a room full of other boys.

He never thought that he would end up in this kind of situation... Jerking off while looking at his friends' cocks. But here he was, doing exactly that. A realization that it may become too obvious if he stared for a long time hit him and he tried to move his attention back to the screen only to end up staring directly into Kino's eyes. Shit. He saw him. Kino definitely saw him. A panic went through Hongseok and his hand stopped moving, eyes widening in shock. Will Kino tell the others?

_How is he going to explain himself?_


	2. Part two

 

The room suddenly became uncomfortably quiet and it took Hongseok some time to realize that everyone was staring at him. When did they see what was going on? He didn't want to look at them but curiosity got the best of him and he slowly checked their expressions. What he saw in their eyes... it would be better if he didn't.

They all looked at him in disgust, trying to cover themselves up even if just moments ago they didn't seem to care. Hongseok opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Nothing. He wanted to say something, to explain, to beg his friends not to leave him and to understand him. He wanted to tell them his story, to do something, anything but at that moment it seemed like he lost his ability to speak.

A loud noise interrupted him and Hongseok's eyes snapped open. He was breathing hard, his whole body covered in sweat,  shaking uncontrollably. He ran fingers through his damp hair as he slowly sat up, a troubled sigh leaving his lips. So it was all just a nightmare...

 

\- - - - -

 

Few days passed by and Hongseok couldn't stop thinking about the nightmare he had. It all seemed very real like it really happened and it made him become uneasy while being around his friends. He tried not to let it show, he tried his best to act normal but whenever he would look at them, he would remember the look of disgust they had in his nightmare while looking at him. That's how he slowly started drifting away from them.

At first, he would politely refuse to show up at their gatherings, always coming up with a different kind of excuse. He would ignore their messages until they called and even then he would pick up his phone with a heavy heart, thinking of yet another lie so he wouldn't have to face them. Hongseok wanted to see them, he really wanted to but he didn't want to constantly be reminded of what would happen if he came out to them. _It's safer this way_ , he tried to convince himself, knowing that either way, he was going to lose them.

After some time the calls stopped coming, messages would rarely lit up his phone and soon he was left alone. That was what he wanted, wasn't it? He wanted to get away from them.

But why did it hurt so much?

 

\- - - - -

 

It was like his life suddenly stopped.

What was he without them? It seemed like he was just an empty shell, unable to do anything. He would stay at home and only go out when he needed to buy something, avoiding places where he could see them on purpose. But sometimes, he would try to track them down, just to catch a glimpse of his friends only to be left disappointed when he couldn't find them.

Slowly, he started to drown in his own despair. He missed them, he wanted to joke around them and forget about everything but whenever he would pick up his phone to give them a call, the images from that nightmare would flash in his mind and he would quickly toss it away, fear running through him. He was afraid.

 

\- - - - -

 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" It was Hui, standing in front of his door, looking angry and disappointed in a way. "You look like a mess. And you look thinner than the last time I saw you. Are you even eating properly? Are you sick?" A hand came up to check up his forehead but Hongseok instinctively flinched, earning a disapproving grunt from the other male. "Hongseok. What is going on? You keep on avoiding us. Did we do something wrong?" The older male asked, worry obvious in his tone. Hongseok was tired and he was sure that he looked like a complete mess right now. It was a mistake to open the door without checking who it was but instead of slamming them shut and running away he stayed, trying to face his friend. "I guess. I'm not feeling very well lately." Someone would say that it was a lie but Hongseok would beg to differ. He didn't lie because he really did felt awful but he wasn't sick in a way Hui suggested. It was different kind of sickness, the one he wished he didn't have.

A hand pushed him back into his apartment and he stumbled back, eyes widening slightly only to see Hui smiling back at him in acomplishment as he stepped inside and closed the door. "Woah. That never happened before. Did I become stronger?" He joked as he grabbed Hangseok's hand and made his way through the small hallway and into the kitchen, dragging him along. "Come on, I'll make you something to eat. You go rest on the couch or something." The older male suggested and the only thing Hongseok could do was to nod weakly as he dragged his body to the couch to lay on it, too tired to object.

What is he going to do now? Should he at least tell Hui? The other male was like a leader to them, taking care of the group of friends in a weird but the only way he knew. Maybe he will be understanding? But then again, maybe he won't.

It was weird, wasn't it? They were all so close and yet Hangseok couldn't predict how his friends would react if he ever told them. Would they really be shocked and disgusted? Or would they be supportive  and tease him about it? Thinking about them joking around him made him hopefull and he turned on the couch in an attempt to find a better position, small smile on his lips.

Perhaps he shouldn't think so much about it...


	3. Part three

  _ **AUTHOR NOTES** _

_Hi! Hello! I hope you are liking the fic so far. I still don't know where I'm going with this but I'm having fun writing it. I know most of my chapters are short but I prefer it that way. In this chapter, it's mostly Hongseok talking to his online friend and seeking his advice. He's trying to stay positive even though it's hard for him because he feels like he's betraying his friends by not being honest to them._

 

* * *

 

  
It was nice talking to Hui, to be able to relax and just forget for a moment about that horrible nightmare. His friend was always so supportive and caring, not to mention that he always knew what to say to make Hongseok at ease. They talked a lot, the older one updating him about everything that happened while he was gone. Most of the time they laughed at some of the situations boys got themselves into while they were either drunk or sober. Sometimes it seemed like they do more crazy things while being sober which was amazing in a way. Hongseok listened to every word eagerly, encouraging Hui to tell him more, obviously missing his friends and their silly adventures. He didn't even notice how fast the time passed, too engrossed in the stories the other one was telling him.

That night Hongseok went to sleep more relaxed, for the first time in a while feeling like he was able to breathe properly. He didn't have any dreams that night, waking up refreshed and content in the morning. _Today is going to be a good day. It had to be. Today... he will finally see his friends again._

The morning was full of positive energy for Hongseok but as the day progressed, he found himself being scared again, negative thoughts invading his mind, thinking of the ways how to avoid his friends yet again. It was then when he remembered that one friend who he trusted from the gay website he used to frequent and he quickly made his way to the laptop, quickly typing the site address he already knew so well.

 

Hey! Are you here?  
---  
Woah! Look who is here! Are you okay? You haven't been online lately.  
I know. Sorry about that. Hey... Can I tell you something? I need your opinion about something.  
Is that a trick question? I'm kidding. Of course!  
I had a nightmare some time ago. A really bad nightmare. I dreamed about my friends finding out about me being gay and I freaked out. I've been avoiding them ever since. One of them came to visit me yesterday and I thought really hard about telling him but I chickened out. I'm really afraid of them hating me if I tell them.  
You don't need that kind of friends then. I mean, if they are going to hate on you just because you are gay...  
Well, the thing is, I don't know if they will hate on me or not. I didn't tell them yet. I just... I'm so fucking confused. I never had a problem with hiding but lately, it became hard. I think my consequence is working against me. We've been such good friends for years now and I guess I'm feeling bad about not being honest with them. Did you ever have that kind of problem?  
Honestly? I don't have time to have that kind of problem. Between studying, working and hanging out with my friends it never crossed my mind. But then again, most of my friends are gay so I never really had a need to hide it. I'm sorry. Seems like I'm not of much help to you. I think it's always the best to be honest you know? But if you are not feeling comfortable telling them, maybe you should keep it to yourself for now? Or choose one person from your group of friends who you trust and confide in them?  
Thank you.  
YA! I wrote all that and all you have to say is 'thank you'??  
I'm sorry. My mind is so full of everything right now. I'm trying to think who would be the best for it. But even when I'm thinking about it, I get this awful feeling in my stomach and it feels like I will throw up. I'm just so damn scared. It's not easy. I've been pretending my whole life around them to have interest in girls and now I need to tell them that I don't. I mean, it sounds so simple when I write it like this but it's much more complicated. They think they know me and suddenly it will be like BAM YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL MY WHOLE LIFE IS A FUCKING LIE. Ugh... I don't know if I can do it.  
Woah woah. Calm down boy. Take your time. You don't need to tell them right away if you don't feel like it, okay? Just... Why don't you put everything down on the paper? And see who is the person who would be able to understand you the most? I'm sure your friends will be supportive. And if they are not, I will come over and kick their asses okay?  
Uhm... Thanks hyung but I don't think you would be able to do that. Most of my friends are tall. I mean much taller than you. I don't really see how you would be able to kick their asses.  
Are you calling me short??????  
Hahahahaha It's obvious from your pictures that you are short. And it says so on your profile :)  
IHU. But hey, at least you laughed and that's a good thing! Keep your thoughts positive, okay? I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.  
Yeah, I know. Thank you so much. I mean it. I have to go now! ttyt!  
  
With that sent, Hongseok closed the website and made his way to the bathroom for a quick shower. He needed to make himself look presentable before going out with his friends. He could only imagine the comments that he would get if he appears being a mess he is right now. At that moment another kind of comments filled his mind and he quickly shook his head.

_Keep your thoughts positive._

It's going to be okay. He doesn't have to tell them right away. Baby steps. He will take baby steps and see where they take him. He is still the same guy, nothing really changed. He just hoped that one day when he tells them, they will all be able to understand that.

 


	4. Part four

 

Hongseokie~ Meet us at the usual place.  
---  
We will wait for you!  
You better get your ass here unless you want us to come over to your place and drag you with us!  
We won't have mercy on you! >:D  
:P  
  
Hongseok chuckled at the messages that kept on coming from Yeo One, shaking his head slightly. He really did miss them greatly. He was thinking about sending his friend a message that he was standing right in front of the club where they were all waiting for him but decided against it. Closing his eyes, Hongseok took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down before he made an entrance but his 'session' was interrupted when someone's body suddenly collided with his back and he felt arms wrapping around his waist. "HONGSEOK! I MISSED YOU YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" Hongseok instantly recognized the voice, eyes opening as he attempted to turn around and greet Kino but the younger male held onto him tightly like he was glued to him. "Damn it man, you did get skinnier! Hui didn't lie! Hey wait! Are your abs still intact??" Kino pretty much screamed into his ear before pulling away. Thinking how he could finally breathe after being released, Hongseok turned around to face Kino only to have his shirt pulled up, a flustered sound leaving his lips. Leave it to friends to always embarrass him no matter what. "KINO!" He groaned as he tried to pull it down but the younger one didn't let him have it. "Yep, still there. Good. Now you can go woo all the pretty ladies inside!" Kino concluded as he winked at Hongseok and finally let go of his shirt. Trying to fix his shirt back in place, Hongseok didn't notice the look Kino gave him, being more preoccupied about the words that left his lips just a moment ago. Woo all the ladies inside? Kino had no idea that Hongseok would rather woo all the men inside but of course, he won't let the other male know that for now.

"You look good. Like, really good. Hui said that you were sick but I have to say, you look mighty fine now that you got better. Now go get them tiger!" Slapping his shoulder in encouragement Kino passed by him and made his way into the club, leaving dumfounded Hongseok to stand in front of it. _"What the fuck was that?"_

\- - - - -

Once inside, Hongseok didn't have time to raise his hand in a greeting before he found himself squished between the bodies of his four friends. He thought Kino had a death grip just a minute ago but he was proved wrong. The youngest of them, Wooseok held onto him so tightly that Hongseok was sure that by the end of the night, he was going to leave the club with a few broken bones. "Okay, okay, I missed you all!" He tried to say but his voice was hardly heard as they all talked at once, screaming how much they missed him and how he was a jerk for not contacting them at all. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't lift up his arms to hug them all together as they successfully made him feel like a tuna in a can. It was Hui who pulled away first and managed to break them all apart.

\- - - - -

"The poor guy was sick and you all jumped on him like a bunch of hyenas! Shame on you all! We should all be careful and take care of him. You almost suffocated him!" Hui started lecturing them once they sat down at the table only to have the rest of the group turn to look at him with. "You are the first one who screamed like a girl when you saw him and you were the first one to jump on him! And YOU SAW HIM YESTERDAY!" The accusations started immediately, making Hongseok laugh so loud that he had to hold onto his stomach. It's been so long since he laughed like this but his friends were funny and he was just happy to be back with them. He didn't seem to notice how everyone quieted down and all attention was on him until he managed to calm down, using one hand to fan himself while he wiped the tears that started forming from laughing too much with the other. "Guys... I missed you. I really did."

They all grinned widely at his words and soon a glass was pushed to him, all of them raising their own to cheer for having Hongseok back. He immediately took it, surprisingly easily downing the alcohol that was inside. Once all the glasses were back on the table, Hongseok smiled happily, looking at each of them in a new light. He definitely had the best friends a guy can have. Maybe he worried for nothing. Maybe things will work out just fine.

"Hi. I'm Yan An. Nice to meet you." A sudden soft voice with an accent pulled Hongseok away from his thoughts, making him look up, eyes widening slightly in surprise. In front of their table stood a seemingly timid blonde male who smiled softly at him, making Hongseok confused for a moment. He didn't know what to do but Kino was there to save the situation as he wrapped an arm around Hongseok's broad shoulders, pretty much pressing his whole body against him. "Hi Yan An! This is our friend Hongseok we told you about. Hongseokie~ This is Yan An. He is from China and we made friends with him while you were gone. We invited him to celebrate your return with us. I'm sure you guys will get along just fine. And he can help us brush up our Chinese skills. Isn't that right Yan An?"

Chinese man nodded at the question as he was in process of getting a chair for himself before he joined them at the table, hands placed on his lap as soon as he sat down. "Yes, I can do that." He replied simply to which Kino continued "He's kind of shy and doesn't talk much but we made it a mission to make him a Korean talking machine." He said proudly, still not letting go of Hongseok as he looked at the others for confirmation.

"I don't know how you will do that if you keep on talking instead of him." Hongseok replied with a grin, turning his head slightly to look at Kino only to earn a slap on the shoulder as the younger male pulled away and fake pouted. Their exchange made twhole group laugh loudly and even Yan An who was quiet until now joined in.

Ah. He missed this. He missed them so much.


	5. Part five

  _ **AUTHOR NOTES**_

_Hello! I'm back with a new chapter! I truly hope that you are enjoying the fic so far. I'm sorry that some members are mentioned more than others but trust me, we will get there. I'm still having trouble figuring out the path of this fic but eventually, I will manage to do so. Thank you for reading and leaving kudos!_

_I don't know if it's allowed (please let me know if it's not) to link outside this site but I'm also posting this fic on AF. I made a poll there, so if you have an AF account and feel like guessing who did Hongseok see in the mirror, click[here](https://www.asianfanfics.com/poll/aff_view/128668). Or you can comment here with a member of your choice and tell me why do you think it's them. I would love to hear your opinions! :)_

 

 

* * *

 

  
His friends were always loud but with a presence of a new person added to the group their voices kept on raising even more. Hongseok couldn't understand why as Yan An seemed like a calm and composed person and there was no need for talking so loudly. Though, in a way, he could understand them. They always fought for attention and having someone new join them only made it worse. At one point when they all started talking at once, Yan An looked so perplexed that it made Hongseok wonder if the boy will get up and run away from them. Luckily, that didn't happen.

While drinking Hongseok kept on looking at his friends, smiling and occasionally laughing as they all shared their past stories about their "adventures" with Yan An. It seemed like they wanted to let him know on how much he missed for not getting to know them earlier. The boy kept on listening to them carefully, sometimes having to stop them to ask for an explanation as he couldn't understand them. He was nodding, looking at them eagerly while they kept on talking, trying to simplify their words, laughing softly from time to time. Hongseok found it cute how absorbed the boy was and how his eyes kept on widening while listening to them and some of their truly unbelievable stories.

"Ah! But do you guys remember when we all went to spy Hongseok on his blind date with the girl that Hui set him up??" It was Kino who suddenly brought up the embarrassing story from his past that he would rather forget. Slapping his hand over Kino's mouth seemed like a reasonable thing to do, attempting to stop his friend from talking but sadly, he didn't have an extra pair of limbs to shut all of their mouths. He glanced over at them, wordlessly pleading with his friends to keep quiet. Unfortunately, by the look in their eyes, it was clear that they won't pass on the opportunity of embarrassing Hongseok. Chaos occurred when they all started talking at once, each of them wanting to tell their version of the story. They really couldn't let him forget everything that happened that night.

The blind date he was on, it was a complete disaster to say at least. Hongseok admitted that part of it was his fault, but most of the credit went to his friends. Either way, he didn't mind it because, by the end of the night the girl didn't want to hear about him anymore, finishing everything with a slap on Hongseok's cheek. Of course, his friends kindly took a picture of it. And a video which was currently being shown to Yan An, Wooseok holding it for everyone to see and laugh like a bunch of fucking hyenas. The only thing left for Hongseok to do was to hide his face between his palms, cursing quietly and wondering what did he do to have his friends embarrass him like this most of the time?

"But why did she hit him?" Yan An's soft voice made everyone look at him. Hongseok peeped between his fingers, only then understanding that Yan An was the only one who wasn't laughing and instead questioned what made her do what she did. "Well..." Hongseok groaned, hands falling on his lap when he heard Kino began talking beside him, arm once again resting on Hongseok's shoulders.  "How to explain it? The vision she had in mind about Hongseok was different from how he is. It wasn't all his fault that much. We did most of the damage to the date. But it was funny! First, he spilt hot tea on her lap while trying to place it on the table and then he tried to make it better by emptying cold water on it. Though that only happened because I passed by him and nudged him a little. I had no idea he would spill it on her lap." Kino said sheepishly, looking at Hongseok first and then at their friends. "Wooseok then threw something at her from afar, and she freaked out. She probably felt something landing on her hair and thought it was a bug. Our kind Hongseok tried to calm her down and remove whatever it was from her hair, but he ended up pulling her wig off.". They all laughed at that and Hongseok groaned once again, wanting to forget about it once and for all. "Hm? What else? Ah! Right! Hongseok felt sorry about everything that happened, and he tried to make things better by taking her to the clothing store.  He even offered to buy new clothes for her. He had no idea that we were near. While she was trying out new clothes, Hongseok was standing in front of the changing room, waiting for her to come out and Yeo One passed by him from behind and gave him a push. The changing room didn't have a door but a curtain so... Hongseok landed on top of her. Long story short they threw him out of the shop.". Once again they laughed, high fiving each other before another video popped up on Wooseok's phone, showing said incident to Yan An.

"So uh... you actually... uh!" Yan An tried to find the word in Korean while watching the video, motioning something with his hands but they all looked puzzled at him. "You made the blind date go bad?" He tried once again, looking at them with a confused expression. "Ah, yes! We sabotaged his date!" Kino shouted proudly, making Hongseok want to kick them all when they suddenly cheered. He was sorry towards the girl because she did nothing to deserve that kind of prank. They didn't hurt Hongseok as much as they did her.  She was excited to have a date with him and his friends ruined it completely. However, if he had to be honest, he was glad that was the case. He didn't have an interest in her or any other girl for that matter. Hongseok didn't consider that the date would end up so badly.  What was even worse, when she slapped him, the tears were running down her face. He blamed himself for a long time until his friends finally admitted that they were the ones who made things go from bad to worse.

"But why would you do that?" Yan An questioned again, and for the first time, Hongseok wondered the same. He never asked them for a reason, accepting the fact that his friends were a bunch of mischievous idiots. At times, they seemed to like making his life uncomfortable.

"It was Kino's idea. We were excited when Hui told us about the blind date. But then Kino suggested that we ruin it for laughs." Yeo One kindly explained, downing his drink soon after." We all agreed without much thought. It seemed like a fun idea. But I have to say that it was hilarious watching Hongseok panic and try to fix things!". They all agreed on that, everyone except Hongseok and Yan An who still had trouble understanding why would they do something like that in the first place. The timid boy opened his mouth slightly, looking like he was forming a question in his head. But before he could ask anything, someone shouted: "For our Hongseokie!". Everyone raised their glasses and even though Hongseok didn't want to participate, he was forced to do so. Clinking them together, they all took a shot, laughing loudly soon after.

"Seriously... sometimes I question our friendship, considering how much you like making fun of me." Hongseok said after he placed his glass back on the table only to have it filled with liquor once again by Kino. He filled all their glasses once again before he turned to look at Hongseok. "It's simple. Because you love us and we love you!" He answered the rhetorical question, wrapping arms around Hongseok and forcing a kiss against his cheek. They all cheered at that, blowing invisible kisses at his direction and Hongseok groaned for who knows what time that night. Yan An chuckled beside him, lifting up his glass before he joined the others, blowing a kiss in his direction. Gods, did they already managed to ruin Yan An?

\- - - - -

As the night went on more stories were shared, excitement still the same but the words leaving their lips were slightly slurred. It was clear that they were all tipsy by now and Hongseok was no better. While he was away from his friends, Hongseok didn't drink at all, making his body more vulnerable to the alcohol. It was hard to adapt once again to their drinking habits.  That became even more obvious when he stood up to go to the bathroom only to have the room spin right in front of him. Shit. He ran fingers through his hair, taking a deep breath as he tried to steady himself before he started walking, determined to reach the bathroom without bumping into something or someone on the way there. He was alright. It wasn't even that much of a distance. He can do it.

Upon finishing his business and washing his hands, Hongseok leaned against the sink, fingers gripping on it tightly as he tried to stay in place even if his body kept on swaying from side to side. He should probably stop drinking now, but that was never really an option with his friends. Being too absorbed in trying to stay still, Hongseok failed to notice the entrance of one of his friends, but he soon became aware of it when arms wrapped around his chest, soft breath tickling against his neck. "Are you drunk? You look cute like this. All flushed and frail..." He could hear the words being whispered against his neck, making him shiver, his body suddenly feeling weak. "Mmmm... Seeing you like this, I could easily devour you."  A hand slid down his chest, pressing against his groin and Hongseok looked up at the mirror, eyes widening when he found himself looking at his friend's eyes

_Was he hallucinating from too much alcohol? No way. No way in hell this was real._

 

 


End file.
